I complained about my weight, and then I made fudge.

Don’t you just hate body issues?

Not a day goes by where I don’t look in the mirror after I get dressed and think to myself ¬†‘Oh shit Laura, look at your thighs/arms/stomach/insert body part here’. I then give myself a meek little smile and say ‘Fuck it. I look absolutely fine’ before giving myself another cursory glance and closing the cupboard.

When talking to someone I wonder if the way my face is positioned is causing a prominent double chin. If I feel it is, I try to move my head subtly so that whoever I am interacting with doesn’t suddenly think I have developed a nervous head tick. I’d love to know what tricks other women try, as I know I am certainly not the only one to feel this way.

So why can’t I stop eating crap and baking cupcakes and making fudge and.. ooh look there’s a piece of cheese cake!

I am not huge. Whatever that means. I definitely need to lose weight though, and one would think that if something is bothering me so much, I would do something meaningful about it.

I love the idea of having an eating plan that doesn’t stop me from eating pasta or potatoes or cheese or oh my god will you pass me some bloody chocolate RIGHT NOW. There are plans like this out there. It isn’t all You Can Only Eat Cabbage or Everything But Meat Is Evil. I have found some really good options which, if I stuck to them, would almost certainly produce the results I am looking for. But why can’t I stick to it for longer than a few days?

I could throw out words like ‘willpower’, ‘dedication’ and ‘motivation’, and having a lack of these things is a big problem of course. ‘Everything in moderation’ is also something people say a lot. It’s all totally true. But I still can’t do it.

At the moment I am probably using my battle with depression as an excuse to not eat as healthily as I should. I go between eating absolutely nothing and then EATING EVERYTHING I SEE. But hold on, maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I am struggling emotionally at the moment, it’s true. There are a lot of things to worry about. But once I get over this depression (and I will, dammit!) will I find another excuse?

Losing weight and eating crap and finding motivation are all things many people struggle with and write about. There are millions of articles out there that give advice. I could try and be really inspirational right now but it just wouldn’t be genuine. Even if I was slim (which I have been in the past), I would find something wrong with my body. And that’s the real issue, isn’t it? That’s something that millions of women can identify with. And again, there are millions of articles about this, so to be quite frank I am not going to add to the deluge of articles/blog posts out there and discuss the various reasons why many women feel so inadequate and how wrong it all is. I think by now we all know why; there are ‘universal’ reasons that can be applied to the masses, and there are more ‘unique’ reasons which apply to the few.

So, for the moment I am going to try and believe my boyfriend when he tells me I am beautiful. I am going to try and stop myself from eating an entire bar of chocolate. I am going to try and find the things I like about my body when I look in the mirror.  Baby steps, yo.

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