Things That Shouldn’t Happen. Ever.

I was sitting at my desk, feeling all annoyed and angsty after a stressful day, and then I thought: ‘Ha! Surely it’s been about a week since I bitched on my blog – I can ease my IWantToKillAllTheThings attitude by writing down words that form sentences which may or may not make sense! Yay!’

And then I saw that it has only been four days since I came up with ‘The weekly bitch sessions’ (which I am having second thoughts about to be honest).

But essentially, fuck it all, I am going to bitch write anyway.

Things That Shouldn’t Happen. Ever. (It felt like all those words needed to start with capitals. They scream I AM IMPORTANT AND YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME OR LOSE YOUR LIFE. Or something)

1. Hard-boiled egg shells that don’t come off easily.
Want to feel like a butter-fingered idiot? Just get stuck with a shitty hard-boiled egg. I don’t know whether it’s the water or the time I leave them to boil or the egg-laying chicken but I want to blame SOMETHING.

2. Facebook acting like it isn’t a multi-billion dollar company with thousands of super clever programmer people.
I had to do something important on Facebook today. No, seriously. For work (seriously). And fucking Facebook wouldn’t let me tag any of the people I needed to tag. This shouldn’t happen. And now as I am reading this I realise how ridiculous I am being, but still. Grrrrr.

3. Cling-wrap sticking together.
You know when you’re wrapping up a sandwich, or putting some leftovers in the fridge and you reach for some cling-wrap? You tear off a bit and carefully tip-toe to where you need to go, praying to god there won’t suddenly be a gust of wind that makes your cling-wrap stick together. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be a gust of wind; it could be the air from a snail’s fart and the cling wrap sticks together as if you’ve just applied magnetic glue to it. Surely with all the technological advances we have made we should be able to make something better?

4. Pickled onions in jars that aren’t big enough.
This could be extended to gherkins too. You know when there’s only a few left and you reach into the jar with your fingers but you can’t get to them so you end up trying to put your whole bloody hand in the jar but it’s not wide enough and you simultaneously feel disgusted and intrigued by the sensation of pickled water (I know that’s not what it’s called) all over your hand but all you want is the fucking pickled onion? Yeah, you could get a fork and fish it out, but who does that?

5. Children asking ‘why?’ more than three times in a row.
I think I’m quite good at answering my son’s questions. When I run out of facts I start making things up which can be rather fun (it’s harmless I promise), but for the love of all that is good and beautiful, three times in a row is enough. I know asking questions is how we learn *insert-article-from-well-meaning-parent-and-or-sciencey-website-here* but after four years of WHY? Why? Why?! But why? Whhhhyyyyy? I’ve had quite enough, thank you.

6. R19.99. Or R27.99. Or RWhatever.99.
They’re just going to round the bloody amount down when you get to the till anyway, so why bother? So that it sounds cheaper? Nay. We’re long past thinking something-something.99 is cheaper than the 1c more version. Consumers can be quite clever sometimes. When was the last time you said to yourself ‘Hey! That’s a good deal – it’s R999.99!’? No. You say ‘That’s a thousand bucks’ (or something similar).

7. Inserting a USB stick the wrong way round.
The amount of times I have checked the USB to make sure I am putting it in the right way, only for it not to be the right way. And on those extra special days where you check it again but STILL put it in the wrong way. Eventually you’re at the point of breaking your USB stick/computer/someone’s face before you manage to get it right. That stupid little USB port is just mocking me.

On a different note, I am going to add ‘I swear like a trooper’ to my About page. Feels like it would be good to warn people.

The list to rule all lists

One of the reasons for wanting to write a blog is to try and force myself to feel more accountable with regards to some of the things I include here. So, if there’s something I really want to achieve, the idea is to write about it in the hopes of making it more ‘real’.

So there’s a list. A list of things my little three-person family have mentioned we would like to do. There’s no absolute deadline for any of the things included here, and they range from the ‘simple’ to the ‘what the fuck are you thinking’ but if we manage to achieve any of them, I will update the list while doing a little happy dance. And of course if any other ideas/dreams come up they will be added here as well.

This has been sitting as a draft for bloody days actually, but then I figured if I only published it once it included all the things we had thought of , it would forever remain a draft. I don’t want my life to be a draft. Ha. But you know how it is – you discuss something with someone which makes you think of something you’d like to do in future. You’re all like ‘I mustn’t forget this! It will go on the list!’ and then you promptly forget about it. Because life, I guess.

1. Buy a new curtain for the bedroom which matches the other two.
We have two gorgeous red curtains, and then another excuse-for-a-red curtain on the other window thingy. It’s taffeta (I think?) and it doesn’t even deserve to be called a bloody curtain.

2. Keep a supply of puff pastry in the freezer.
It’s a genius idea actually. When I make supper with things like mince or chicken, I want to bulk it up with extra veg/lentils/whatever else, so that there’s leftovers, and then the next night I can quickly make a chicken/mince pie. I’ll be a kitchen goddess.

3. Have a wall of herbs in little buckets.
It’s much sexier than it sounds. Something like this. (Oh. My. God. I just got lost for 30 minutes, looking at the cool things people are doing around this idea on Pinterest).

4. Create more counter space in the kitchen.
Now this is tougher than it sounds, as I am sure anyone who has wanted to achieve the same goal without spending your entire salary or moving house will agree. I would post a picture, but it’s just too terrible.

5. Get bitten by a radioactive spider in the hopes of gaining superpowers.
My son’s request. Not quite sure how to make this happen, but if you’ve any ideas I would be eternally grateful. Unless he turns into a rock monster or something. Then I’ll sue you.

6. I make the best cheese sauce in the world.
At least one person has verified this so of course it’s true. It would be great to keep a fresh supply of white sauce in the fridge, which can then be quickly turned into cheese sauce, mushroom sauce…whatever we want.

7. Repaint the kitchen cupboard and the hall cupboard.
Both of these cupboards are painted with blackboard paint. If you have a child, or even if you don’t, it’s a great thing to have. They’re both looking a little worse for wear though. The hall cupboard is for Kayden to draw to his heart’s content, and the kitchen cupboard is for ‘adult doodles’ and any groceries we need to buy, or any reminders. Admittedly Kayden muscles his way onto this one as well.

8. A desk and a decent office chair.
I work from home at the moment and I am currently using our dining table as a desk. As a chair, I alternate between a bar stool and an ottoman thingy.

9. Purchase something to practice irish dancing on.
As I mentioned on my ‘About’ page, I do irish dancing. I have been dancing on and off since I was 6. Anyway, there are these shoes we use, which will kill any floor if given half the chance, and so I need something that I can easily place on the floor to practice on. I am not sure what this something is yet, but it needs to be thin and flexible and strong at the same time. Something I can roll up and put away when it’s not in use, you know?

10. Watch all the movies of recently dead movie stars.
First we want to start with Heath Ledger. Although technically not recently dead, his passing still troubles me. That man was gorgeous. We have googled a list of all his movies, and we want to watch them in chronological order. We’d like to do the same with Philip Seymour Hoffman. Popcorn will be involved.

11. Go to Cornwall and gorge ourselves on castles and scones with clotted cream.
Right?! Is this not the most epic thing ever? I have been to Cornwall before, but that was when I was a teenager and didn’t appreciate the finer things in life. Like the perfect scone.

12. Take up archery.
Of course this was not partly inspired by watching Brave. Of cooourse not.
There’s a place that offers archery lessons/practice around the corner from where we live, and so when I have more money I really want to try it out. And when I do, I’ll leave my hair down and put on a Scottish-Irish accent and feel all cool and stuff.

13. Offer to manage small-medium companies’ social media accounts.
A big part of my current job is to manage the company’s social media profiles. Although on a personal level I have a few issues with Facebook, I thoroughly enjoy this aspect of my work; building relationships, encouraging interactions, growing brand presence etc. I also enjoy the research involved and keeping on top of new changes, although admittedly lately I haven’t been able to stay as on top of things as I would like. Anyway, I would initially like to do this as an after-hours project, and then see where it takes me. I need to plan it properly though, and at the moment this just can’t be a top priority. And just to note, I certainly wouldn’t swear as much on people’s social media accounts. I wouldn’t swear at all even, I promise.